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Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Meanwhile in Canada…
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.