My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
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6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge