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Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*