After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
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boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
how many bears make up a bear minimum
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad