@TheAndrewNadeau

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

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@lazerdoov

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

@JillianKarger

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

@dafloydsta

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

@daddydoubts

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

@abbycohenwl

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

@ADHDeanASL

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

@BriarSlyMalice

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

@GrantTanaka

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

@chuuew

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.