The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
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Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Google assistant rules
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.