I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
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There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Haha! 😂
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.