Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
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*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
do what now??
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.