*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
You Might Also Like
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.