HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
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Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?