Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
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*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture