*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
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ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…