thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
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I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.