Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
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Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
So true for me
*mops up wine with cat*
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
i think both sides are to blame here
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?