Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
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Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
you will never know the true number of layers
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
you telling me a banana nut in this bread