you telling me a banana nut in this bread
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Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Many hands make light work
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.