HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
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I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon