I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
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Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.