Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
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why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.