-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
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Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”