My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
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My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Smells like a challenge to me
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about