Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
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There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.