Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*