i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
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When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.