I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
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A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
im 7 sauces long
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
When someone trying to leave me
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me