People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Thinking about Jeff