FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
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You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.