Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
How software testing works
Mornin
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
peeping toms
You look like you would fail a DNA test
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*