If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
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Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
A friend helps you before you need it
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Rt to bother an English speaker
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Who chose this font
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man