Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
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As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
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Me: Same
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.