Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
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Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Only Americans understand
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.