A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
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“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO