Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
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My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Worth the read.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”