When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
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me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
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Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Strangers have the best candy.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard