When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
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Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.