What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Nothing to do, you say?
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*