jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
You Might Also Like
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
everyone’s a critic
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.