At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

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Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’


The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.


“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”


Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?


Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.


My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL


A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.


Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.


I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.