@MelvinofYork

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

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@jasomnambulism

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

@Shariv67

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

@david8hughes

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

@Matt_The_1st

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

@KirstenCatClub

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

@OBiiieeee

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

@NYC_Blonde

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

@iAmJuddy

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

@Parentpains

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.