@MelvinofYork

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

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@Not_From_Troy

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

@causticbob

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

@kolchak

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

@DrDogMD

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

@MrFornicator

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

@eileencurtright

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

@DanMentos

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss