At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
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I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
what do you want!!!!!!!!
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”