Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep