*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
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Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I want what they have
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.