Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
You Might Also Like
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.