No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
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I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.