I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
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Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
That 👊
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades