I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
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If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
*drops ice cube*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.
Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!