Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
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Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)