Funny women are smart. Be careful.
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Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?