Funny women are smart. Be careful.
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The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.