I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
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[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.