Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
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When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Salad is the decaf of food.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans