Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
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My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.