I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
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You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”