[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
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Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.