My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
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Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
True freaking story!
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is