I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
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why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.