The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
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Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
pizza
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.